Excuses, Excuses

I admit it: I sometimes use my chronic pain as as excuse not to do things. Sometimes I do it knowingly, sometimes I do it out of habit. I'm insecure and not too outgoing, so this weakness in my life has become so worn and comfortable that sometimes I cling to it like a broken in child's blankey. My pain has also become part of my identity like Superman's cape. It has been a part of me for over 14 years and the closing mantra in my prayer times. I so desperately want to be freed from the nagging pains and vice grip headaches, but without this life companion it would feel awkward going to Target and not visiting the medication aisle. Do I want to be healed? Yes! But I think the real healing has to come from within my soul. If I take pain away from my resume, what do I have to fill its place? I'm just trying to figure out why I'm not healed: is it because I'm not willing to lay down my excuses or is it not God's timing?