Bitterness

My daughter has brought so much healing into my life. God has given me a sweet balm to quench the bitterness that has consumed my soul for far too long.

For almost fourteen years I was angry at God; serving Him begrudgingly because I knew I had no where else to turn. I had failed at so many things and needed even a small victory to get me through each day.

I didn't know how bad off I was until God started to heal me of my anger. With anger came pessimism, self pity, being judgmental, self loathing, depression and self righteousness... a dangerous combination. I was scared to breathe for fear that pain would consume me or the fragile balance of sanity I was teetering on would shatter. Bitterness brought me into a depth of depression where I would weep in the corner of my dark, locked bathroom and couldn't emerge until my husband would engulf me with his arms and cry with me. I couldn't leave the house. I couldn't talk to anyone; I wasn't strong enough to hold the mask up to hide who I really was.

I'm not really sure what changed this; part of me thinks it was when I determined not to let my circumstances dictate who I was and therefore God allowed me to get pregnant. I decided that I would love and serve God for who He is, not for what I did or did not receive. Another part of me thinks that with my pregnancy I had a reason to believe and hope again. Either way, it doesn't really matter. I am healed of depression. I am healed of bitterness. I am still trying to chisel down the walls around my soul to let God fully in. But its a start.